This is why I've been away

I've had a breakdown.

I don't think I'm fully out of it yet. And the key word is yet. But I do plan to and am trying to get things back "on track" and back to how I use to feel and be, but it's not as easy as I'd imagined it could be.

I don't want to air out my dirty laundry. After all, it'll just sit here on the interwebs for anyone to read about for as long as I don't delete my blog. But I can go into detail about how I felt, reacted, and how I'm trying to get out of this dark little cave I'm in.

I had 2 weeks, if not more, of physically not being able to pick myself up from the floor. One day I fell. Hard. Fast. I couldn't help it - even though I shouldn't even have gone there - and I lost my footing, couldn't balance myself enough and I landed SPLAT, BLING BLANG on the floor, face first. And I just stayed there crying, hyperventilating w/ my face down in the dirt wishing I wasn't there or that I would've coincidentally landed in some quicksand and would start to be pulled under.

But since that's not what REALLY happened, I HAD to get up and go on about life. Take care of the Twinkies and go to work and not stop going. I couldn't afford to. My bills would get worse, and my kids would obviously starve and be dirty little boys. I kept going b/c I knew in order to be "really" depressed or crazy is if your "condition" interferes w/ "normal daily activities" and I didn't want to fall into that category. Even though secretly inside I wanted to just BE that "category" and soak it all in and just let EVERYONE know, "hey!!! HEY!!! Guess motherfucking what?! I am depressed and feel crazy and am having a nervous breakdown! Do you get it now??"

But alas, I'm not that bold or "crazy" to do that. So it results in a bitchy, aggravated, anxy, sad, frustrated, angry little girl that keeps moving along, while trying to "deal with it". *shrugs* And that's where the "yet" comes in. I'm trying, I really am.

This weekend I had a breakthrough. I came out of the cave and saw the sunshine, yet I find there are moments where I'm concentrating on the clouds I see at a distance and can't figure it out if they're passing me or coming toward me. I'm fixated and I haven't fully moved on. To have rainbows, you've gotta have rain right? Well I had an effin deluge pass by and even though the sun is shining, those cloud remnants are lingering and playing w/ my head. I'm waiting on the rainbow - or is it around here somewhere, but my fixation on the clouds won't allow me to see it?

My HunHun has been going through it w/ me, even though he A) doesn't have a clue of how I really feel b/c he just can't understand it I think and B) can't find a way to get me better 100%.

If you're reading or if you've even managed to get this far in this ramble, know that I AM ok. I know that's the easy answer to give, but really I am. This weekend helped me millions and tons and I'm finding my way back to how I use to be.

And even though I know he doesn't read, I do want to thank you, my HunHun for being there for me when I went my craziest and for holding my hand through this even though you didn't (don't) fully get it. You are my sunshine...

...................

So I know I've said this like a bajillion times before, but I'm back for updates and blogging! I need an outlet and I'm missing out on documenting too much of what the boys are doing! My stupid Iphone doesn't let me post from there and it's even stupider for not having MMS yet! But I will find a way to get it done. I promise.

My apologies for the F-bombs. I think it's part of the new me. The one that should speak up and say exactly how I'm feeling so I don't implode, again.

I think I'm back!

So I get to update from my text/email system on my phone! I'm excited
b/c when I get home, I hardly have time for myself to even have a decent
dinner, so this will work b/c i've tried to post from home, but never
make it. There's a lot going on w/ the boys and I want to get out all
that I'm feeling...

So maybe some bullets to catch everyone (even me) up?
* We've started PT w/ AJ. He's been to 2 sessions and it makes me wish
I could dedicate more time to him for this. W/ EJ, it makes it more
difficult to do b/c I have to tend to both. I just pray that MIL finds
this as important as we do and she doesn't slack during the day.

* speaking of MIL, she read my mail and we decided to keep the boys at
her place instead of her coming to our house. That only lasted a couple
of days b/c we bought a jumproo and got the haigh chairs out (no more
bouncer/swing as per PT orders.) And there's no way to take that to her
place on monday and lug back on friday. So we've kept our arrangement
of 1 week our house, 1 week her apt., for now, despite our anger at her
snooping.

* EJ could have a slight form of Torticollis too. I noticed it and so
did the PT. We're doing home stretching for him.

* the boys' diarrhea turned out to be Salmonella!!!! How on earth they
got this, I don't know. It was hand to mouth somehow, so it comes down
to someone not washing their hands, or not washing their things
thoroughly. :( EJ got on antibiotics for it.

*but now, they've developed a cold/congestion that has them not too
happy at moments.

* 4 month well-checkup was done and they're proving to be big boys! AJ
is a whopping 17 lbs, 25.75 in. And EJ isn't far behind at 16 lbs and
26.5 in.

* we got them a jumparoo and they seem to like it! They can reach the
floor, so they wiggle in it and play w/ the abacus looking thing. Which
reminds me...

* they rolled over! I saw it w/ both of them! I've been down abt the
fact that I might be missing some firsts since I miss so much of their
day, but I'm glad I got to see them. :) EJ is a lazy butt and just
leaned on his shoulder, torso turned but legs still face down, then
after a minute or so, he completed the roll! Aiden was a champ that day
and did it like 4 times!

I think that's it for now.. I can't remember much else, and if I do,
I'll add it, since now it's easy to do from my phone!

Test

Just want to test if I can still blog from my MMS/Email... I can't seem
to click on certain buttons from my phone.

And I thought I was DONE w/ doctors!

After so many doctor visits w/ TTC, IVF and the pregnancy, I thought I was done!

Uhm.. yea, I must've forgotten about the 2 little men that have entered my life and will most definitely be getting sick at some point (or several points). Such is the case, this past week.

I decided, after hearing some nagging that the boys are still hungry after their bottle, to give cereal to them. I put half a babyspoon in each bottle and called it a day. There! That'll work until we introduce solids!! Nope! They got diarrhea. BAD diarrhea. So we stopped the cereal immediately, except the diarrhea didn't stop eemee-dee-it-lee! Grr.. Poor little yOyo was getting really bad dirty dipes and hOops wasn't far behind. But I figured it'd go away after a couple of days. The cereal had just irritated their stomachs. MIL calls HunHun and tells him that yOyo has had 3 dirty dipes before noon, so off they go to the pedi's office. The pedi thought it might've been the cereal too, or some virus that 'must' be going around b/c there are other kids w/ diarrhea coming in too. I pay no mind to the virus comment b/c we had no other symptoms..

Until Sunday (almost a week later).

My little hOops wakes up w/ a fever. :( The pedi's office says to give him tylenol and we made an appointment for later that afternoon. 2 hours later, the fever is still there and higher, so off I go to the pedi's before my appointment. Luckily, they take me in before they left to lunch and hOops gets poked for a CBC. :( WBC comes back good, no infection. It's a virus. Keep him hydrated and it should pass in a couple of days. Fast forward to 1am, hOops is BURNING UP despite the day long doses of tylenol and still has bad poop. Off went HunHun while I stayed w/ yOyo. My baby of babies had another b/w done and a cath! :( No infection found again, it's just a stomach virus that is highly contagious. Keep the other twin separate, no sharing of anything! They come back about 6am and yOyo wakes up at 730a.. for the day.

hOops' fever FINALLY broke on Tuesday morning. It was lower on Monday, but he was still warm. However, there are still bad poops about! From both the boys. They have a good one, and then a bad one comes during the day.

2 weeks ago, after a suspicion I had, we went the Orthopedist for yOyo's tilt and he was diagnosed w/ Torticollis. It basically just means that his muscle from his clavicle to his jaw didn't stretch in utero b/c of the crammed quarters, so his head tilts to a preferred side (his right). He can turn his head both ways, but I suspected he couldn't turn it FULL range both ways. My little yOyo had x-rays done and had his head turned and moved while he cried bloody murder. I felt so bad, but knew he had to be checked. :( Well, turns out he needs PT. Today was the first appointment and after assessment decided that he'll need to go to PT 2x/week for 12 weeks. :( PLUS home exercises at every diaper change. HunHun taught me the exercises before we bathed him and it broke my heart that he cried as I stretched him.

We have another appointment to make w/ a cranio doctor. Due to the Tort, they want him (and I'm taking hOops too) to be checked for Plagiocephaly, which is the fusing of the skull bones too soon, and causing a flathead due to early fusing as well as their facial bones to deform. If they suspect that this is happening, then they'll need to be fitted for helmets. :( *sigh*

I know it's necessary if diagnosed, so I get it, but still, it's hard. I can break down about diagnoses and doctor appointments, but at the moment I'm there and paying attention and understand that it's for the best. That's how I was when I was going through my IF stuff. Every doctor visit was hard, but I cried afterward. At the visits, I was alert and paying attention so I didn't miss anything. That's how I feel now. That I can't sit here and cry or let it get to me. I have to on my feet and ready to do what I have to do for my boys.

Anyway, that's the update for now. I'll try and keep it up to date. I went back and read what was happening a year ago, since I was starting my IVF and I realized I was happy that I blogged about it. So it made me think that I totally gotta do it w/ the boys and how we're making it w/ them. A year from now, I'll read and be happy i blogged about it too. And so on.

a weekend of firsts

this weekend was a great one! definitely the best one i've had in a long time.

i had been wanting to take the boys to the beach, since the weather has been so nice and i decided to take them this weekend. then HunHun told me he needed to do car stuff, so i decided to just stay home and head to the kid's art museum later in the day when he was done. my sister ends up finding out and tells me she'll come w/ me to the beach! woohoo!! i hadn't wanted to go alone, b/c it would've been my FIRST time there with the twins and i didn't want to risk some kind of havoc happening involving sand, babies, formula, water, etc. so we decided to meet up first thing after the boys had their breakfast so we can beat the midday sun.

that morning, HunHun's plans get postponed and he decides to come along! yay!!! our FIRST family outting to the beach! before leaving, we take the FIRST pictures of my boys w/ my sister's 2 daughters all in one shot. of course, it was a freakin' mission b/c to get 2 pre-teen girls to look "perfect" and 2 NB's to look at the camera is not by any means as easy as i'm typing this! but we got the shot! after changing the boys into their bathing suits, we head out.

we arrive to the beach and were able to enjoy an entire hour at the beach. haha. that's it! that's all it lasted! we had taken so long w/ the pics that it ate into our beach time. the boys absolutely loved it, i think! they just chilled and enjoyed the breeze. we put them in their bumbos for a little bit, b/c that's all their little bobble heads can withstand. and then we took them to the shore to feel the wet sand and get their feet wet for the FIRST time. it was so cool to do that! i had seen pictures and even pictured it in my mind, but to actually have 'my' babies there w/ me, was amazing. we left after the hour of being there b/c the boys were due to eat and we didn't want to be stuck at the beach or car.

we came home and gave the boys their lunch, cleaned them up and changed them and headed back out! i know.. crazy and probably a lot for little babies, but there we went...

we arrive to the kid's art museum and decide to wear the boys since i wasn't sure if a double stroller would be able to manuever well inside, since it was our FIRST time there. there was a dr. seuss exhibit i wanted to take them to, moreso for a photo op b/c i know at this age they don't know that it's dr. seuss. i've known of this exhibit since i was pregnant, and waited until the last week of it being shown so the boys could be old enough to give good pics. hee hee. anyway, we wear the boys facing us, and when we got there, i told HunHun to turn Em.zo around so that he can 'see' the colors and lights. as soon as we did, it was as if we were seeing the museum through his eyes! A.dey was asleep, so i left him resting on my chest but it was so beautiful to me, to see Em.zo taking in all he could. i loved it. the exhibit was pretty cool and mid way, A.dey woke up!! so i turned him face-forward and automatically he was totally taken in by the colors too. we stopped by a water colors sections and the boys wrote their names for the FIRST time, with mommy and daddy's help of course.

after the museum, HunHun and i needed our own lunch, so went to a mexican little place HunHun found. it was our FIRST time there and we loved it!! totally going back!

when we got home, i thought it was funny that the 4 of us took a nap, at the same time, for the FIRST time, in three months. i slept w/ Em.zo on my chest, A.dey slept in his bouncer and HunHun slept on the couch. I even took a pic, b/c i couldn't believe we all just knocked out like that.

sunday was my FIRST mother's day with the boys. it was spent as usual, w/ my mom, sis and MIL. and really nothing special was done that day. HunHun got me a dress that was too big and he redeemed himself (his word, not mine) today by getting me a new handbag! woot woot!! and even though the day itself wasn't blown up, i couldn't have asked for a better MoM's day weekend w/ my family... HunHun, Em.zo & A.dey.

it was perfect. beautiful. and exactly what i hoped and wished for every other mother's day before when i was childless. i only hope, that the future ones are equally as awesome as my FIRST.